


Brittle Hearts

by orphan_account



Category: Panic! at the Disco
Genre: AU - Current Era, Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Brain Damage, Cerebral Palsy, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Suicide Attempt, trigger warning: suicide attempt, whoops because I have cp sorry not sorry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-08
Updated: 2017-01-08
Packaged: 2018-09-15 18:46:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,466
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9250820
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: After a bus crash which left Ryan Ross with the side effects of brain damage in 2009 he'd been forced to leave the band. In a world where Brendon still cares for Ryan endlessly what will Ryan do when he feels useless?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Okay so.... story time. I have mild cerebral palsy. Originally this was supposed to be a cerebral palsy fic (because I am OBSESSED with writing those) but I couldn't find any motivation till I saw a prompt and adapted it into brain damage from a bus crash. Which COULD happen since cerebral palsy is caused by brain damage (though usually at birth.) Anyways since I have cerebral palsy it goes without saying these are just MY experiences with the disability. I do have a MILD case so I'm sorry if someone with the same disability reads this and can't relate. Cerebral Palsy comes in many different forms and severities and it affects everyone differently so if you are interested in CP google it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shout out to @dvllonweekes on tumblr for the name of this fic

Crash.

The man made a muffled noise as the air rushed out of his lungs and his body slammed into the concrete. He’d attempted, in that fraction of a second, to try and land sideways. That way his groceries wouldn’t be ruined.

He’d failed.

His keys had flung themselves across the driveway pavement and he _knew_ not only that his groceries were now ruined, but now he’d never be able to get up in time to save himself the embarrassment of…

“Ryan you okay?”

Ryan’s boyfriend had rushed to open the front door the second he’d heard Ryan fall. Now he stood inside the house in front of his lover. His voice was weaved with concern along with his eyes that were wildly staring at the man collapsed on the floor and waiting for a response. At a different time in their relationship he’d be rushing and wildly falling to pick Ryan up as Ryan struggled to get up on his own. But, Ryan said that made things worse so he held back. As much as it pained him he trusted Ryan. So in this moment he stood. Nervous. Waiting.

“I’m fine. I’m fine!”

Ryan pushed himself up by his hands, the only way possible for him (which he always thought looked humiliating.) As his four legged looking position turned into a regular upright one he picked up the first bag on groceries he’d crushed with his weight when he fell on top of it, only for Brendon to follow with the second bag which had been thrown aside (by some miracle) and ran across the front lawn to pick up Ryan’s keys which were glowing like a beacon from the sunlight. Somehow Ryan’s sunglasses had stayed on his head even after the fall and he was grateful. That would’ve been one more thing Brendon would’ve picked up for him if it had fallen. Ryan really hated it when Brendon picked up stuff he dropped since he could do it himself. It had taken Ryan a long time to see that such acts were Brendon being helpful and showing his love for him. So even though he hated it sometimes; he let Brendon pick them up.

“You sure you’re okay Ryan?”

Only then Ryan got a proper look at himself. His hands were red and they stung like hell but he could get over that. His knees stung too and they were scrapped but they weren’t bleeding. That was good.

“I’m fine seriously. We should head inside.”

Ryan’s hand lightly brushed the wall as he stepped into the house, Brendon following in tow behind him placing the groceries on the kitchen counter while Ryan poured them both glasses of water and set them down with a _clink_.

 “How bad is it?”  
“Bread loaf is squashed and most of the eggs are cracked but I think it’ll be fine.”

“Oh.” Ryan’s voice faded away deflated as he looked down at the kitchen counter and cursed himself silently. He’d ruined food and wasted their money. _Again._

Brendon gave him a quick peck, ruffling his clothes as he embraced him into a soft hug and pulled him into his chest.

“Don’t be so worried okay?”

Ryan only sighed in his embrace, too deflated to speak, too annoyed to speak.

Brendon had probably heard it all anyway.

And Ryan had heard every reply he’d ever say.

Just then Brendon’s phone buzzed on the kitchen counter with an abrasive noise that startled the two men.

_Dallon: Wanna practise at my place in an hour?_

Brendon picked up his phone and squinted, lifting himself out of Ryan’s comforts he took his glasses off the table and began to reply.

_Brendon: Yeah sure_

“Ryan I gotta get going, band’s got some practise to do.”

“Oh okay. I think I can manage dinner.”

Brendon took a sip of his water before kissing the love of his life goodbye.

“The butter’s behind the water jug in the fridge. Be sure to text if you need something. I should be back by 6:30.”

“I love you.”

“I love you too Ryan.”

Ryan watched Brendon walk out the hallway and close the door behind him before he finished his own glass of water and let out a long sigh. He hated seeing Brendon like this, playing the over-worried domestic role he always did nowadays. His pity, Ryan hated it. Ryan sat down with a guitar in the music room, checking first that his favourite guitar was in-tune then starting with a chord shape on the fretboard. He gave it a strum and mentally recoiled. Half his notes were dead. It was his fault, he couldn’t press down on the strings as cleanly as he used too and his hand cramped after playing for 1 minute. He plucked them individually with the fingers on his right listening intently and looking between his strumming fingers and fretboard to make completely sure. He pressed his pick down and strummed through the strings. It sounded good. Maybe now he could actually play more than one chord?

Except he couldn’t. When the time came for Ryan to change his G chord to a D chord his hand was too slow.

“Fuck!”

So he tried again, he checked all his fingers on the D chord shape again before strumming and changing it to G, back and forth in a slow incoherent pattern. Sure he could do it? But could he play a song? No. Not like this, never like this.

“Fuck!”

Ryan dropped his guitar on the floor with a loud clatter of strings and the cries of polished wood as his body exclaimed loud choked sobs. He brought his hands up to his face as he tried to keep his mouth shut. Tried to stop sobbing. Tried to stop breathing.

Like everything else in his life that didn’t work. His hatred of his failure burst from his mouth in louder sobs as his body heaved with every laboured breath. He couldn’t work like this anymore.

He thought about Panic. How he had to leave after one little accident that ruined his whole life. How his musical capabilities had been reduced to singing and composing through screens because he couldn’t play a song at full tempo. It had been ruining him, shrivelling him to a pulp.

He could see how it broke Brendon too. How he continued Panic just to provide for them, how he never brought Ryan up in interviews anymore to protect him. But it was more than that. Brendon didn’t act like himself anymore.

Brendon _wasn’t_ himself anymore and it broke Ryan’s heart.

Ryan couldn’t see Brendon suffer this way anymore, Brendon didn’t deserve to. Brendon didn’t deserve to be stuck with a man like him. He dried his tears with his sleeve as he walked into the bathroom and began pulling cupboard doors and draws open.

He was trying to find something, anything to dull the pain.

Aspirin.

He’d once heard of a girl who killed herself by taking 100.

Ryan shoved the whole bottle of pills down his mouth and shoved his face under the tap to get some water and swallow them all.

 His head felt light and dizzy, suddenly everything looked overexposed and the colours all stuck out as his limbs went numb and he let out a laugh.

Scissors.

Old friends.

He took the nail scissors as slashed across his left arm as the blood flowed out in ribbons he looked, transfixed.

The aspirin was doing its blood thinning magic and he could see it working, he knew it wouldn’t stop any time soon. His torso flopped bent over the vanity as he laughed.

 

Free. He was free. Brendon wouldn’t have to care for him anymore. He was free too.

Ryan felt himself fade, his own skin feeling light and ticklish as he could feel the prison of his handicapped body leave him.

_Finally._

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Expect the rest of the characters to be short. I know someone could flesh this out and I'd love to do CP!Ryan again (I probably will.) But I didn't want to make this fic drown on partially because I wasn't always feeling it. I might revisit this but I'd always meant for this to be short.

“Ryan?”  
Brendon pulled out they jangling keys from his front door and walked inside. Ryan was nowhere to be seen and dinner hadn’t even started.

“Ryan?”  
Laughter ricocheted off the bathroom tiles as the ajar open door let the sound seep into Brendon’s ears. Confusion washed over Brendon as his loud shoes clapped against the linoleum floor.

_Just what could he be doing?_

“Ryan?”

Brendon cracked the door open and stepped inside as Ryan’s head landed on the sink with a loud _thud_. His skin was a ghastly shade of pale reminiscent of clean sheets and the entire vanity was covered in blood. Brendon spiked with worry and Ryan’s pulse was fading too. Brendon removed his slender fingers from Ryan’s neck to dial the emergency line. His breathing tightened around his chest with every ring he was left waiting and answered at a breakneck pace when they picked up.

Brendon then travelled into the ambulance with Ryan and stared into his eyes with so much intensity you could swear he was almost trying to force Ryan awake by sheer willpower. Each noise of the deafening siren heightened his senses. “Something! Anything! It just can’t end like this!” he thought. He just couldn’t watch it end this way. Sadly, without a reason, with an action that would be sure to bring him to tears, in fact, at that moment he practically was. His stare just dug deep into Ryan’s closed eyes and _wished_. Wished for everything to come true, for a happy ending as he willed himself not to cry.

Sitting Outside Ryan’s room Brendon then decided that he hated hospitals. Sure he’d always go to the hospital with Ryan twice a year for his injections if he could but that was nothing compared to this. Brendon had gone through some of the most stressful minutes of his life just _waiting_.

Waiting with no way to know the outcome.

He hated seeing his boyfriend this way. Shrivelled up and helpless from all the drugs he took and countless tubes sticking out of him like a character from a bad sci-fi novel. Self-pitying and narcissistic to insane levels. Always worrying, even when Brendon told Ryan that was his job.  What he hated most was what _made_ Ryan like this. Why did Ryan do this to himself? Brendon worried that It was all his fault but he couldn’t pin what and it was driving him insane. _Was it that he left him alone? That he let him fall? Was it how Brendon could barely spend any time with him anymore_?

“Mr Urie?”  

Brendon perked his head that had been resting by his knees due to his sheer amount of worry and panic.

“Mr Ross seems to be recovering fine. We’ve pumped his stomach; you may see him now”

Brendon practically fell over at the notion. He looked over his boyfriend’s form. Somehow, he looked worse. Lifeless, empty, mingling with the stench of bleach and death that rotted this place to the core and made his people want to get out with troubling urgency.

Ryan was lying down in the hospital bed, eyes closed, pale.

A shell of his former self.

Brendon reached out to touch Ryan’s face, it was warm. It was living.

“Ryan why? Why would you?” Brendon’s voice trembled as his hand recoiled away and formed a fist. Tears leaked from his eyes as he silently sobbed, so defeated with emotions his vocal chords refused to make noise. He fell back onto the visitor’s chair. Vision fuzzy and eyes glazed over with tears as his body kept shaking with every inhalation. Every exhale contained a word, something he wanted to say but he just couldn’t. He couldn’t bring himself to. Bring himself to somehow disturb the strong bond they’d formed. The bond Brendon tried to desperately to keep every day even though he was always busy. The bond he _loved._


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS. IS. MY. FAVOURITE. CHAPTER.

Brendon awoke to the light filtering through his eyes. Alerting him. Awake. Groggy. He could feel the way his tears had stained his face as he blinked, adjusting to the light.

“Brendon?”

Brendon’s head snapped to the location of the noise as alertness spread throughout his body. Tingling. Every inch of skin pulsating with urgent need.

“You here?”

Ryan blinked profusely, his voice still croaky. He rubbed his face with his slender pale hands as he sat upright and twisted his torso to try and find Brendon. The hospital blankets itched against his legs in a terribly uncomfortable fashion. His ID bracelet also felt terribly uncomfortable, it’s tough plastic unable to create a harmony of texture near his skin.

Brendon dragged his chair close to Ryan’s bed scraping it all the way along the floor with urgency. With need.

“I’m here.”

Brendon reached out to cup Ryan’s face again as he looked into his eyes.

“How are you feeling babe?”

“Better. I kinda wanted to-”

Ryan cast his gaze downward, embarrassed.

“I wanted to say thank you. I-I know I shouldn’t have done that. I-“

“Ryan could you tell me why?” The words flew out of Brendon’s mouth, he didn’t want to sound angry but he did. Maybe he _was_ mad. Maybe he even had a right to be, but he didn’t want Ryan to be. Not now. Not after everything.

“I just. I got so upset. I can’t play anymore Brendon. I can’t play! I can’t play music! I Just-I wish I could I- I hate it! I hate seeing you like this too. Turning yourself _inside out_ for _me! Every day!_ Continuing Panic to provide for us. Coming home and trying to put on your best smile for me. Brendon, _I can’t live like this anymore!_ You never seem like yourself anymore! You have one emotion and no other and just- I want to play with you Brendon. I want to be in Panic with you Brendon. But I can’t play anymore and it _fucking ruins me_ every day! I can’t just live making music behind a screen with you Brendon I can’t fucking stand the thought. I thought you’d be better without me, stop worrying, do whatever you want with the band. Stop being a caregiver for a disabled person like me.”

Both men felt tears fall off the edges of their faces like skydivers as their bodies collided, overcome with the truth that graced the air. Taking deep breaths. _Exhaling_. Looking into each other’s eyes.

“Ryan.” Brendon breathed as Ryan leaned in and kissed him. Their lips pressed together, it was sweet, it was warm, _it was living_. Their tongues mashed against each other eagerly, desperately. Clinging and scratching, holding onto the kiss to say all the things they couldn’t say with their own words. Things like “I love you” but 1000x stronger. Things like _“I need you” “you’re my oxygen” “you’re amazing”_ things like:

 _“Please don’t leave”_ and _“I never want to be without you again.”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woo! I know my writing style of description might break tension sometimes but I think it really words here. Hopefully you all don't mind me writing like that at all. It's just how I write best.


End file.
